Report: "Worldwide Hysteria Ensues After Archaeologists Unearth 5000 Year Old Digital Device"

A recent discovery by an international team of archaeologists, who uncovered what is rumored to be the antiquated equivalent of a modern day digital device, have confirmed their find. The device was unearthed near the ancient temples of Umm el-Qa'ab, located at the site of Abydos, one of the oldest cities of ancient Egypt.

Found in a nearly-pristine state, the device was immediately taken to the Smithsonian Institute in Washington, D.C. for further analysis. A press release from researchers on the project confirmed that the gadget is indeed akin to a modern day smartphone - though it's contents, if any, were not made public at that time.

According to our source, death metal legend, and Egyptologist, Karl Sanders (of the band Nile), who once predicted such a find, said "this discovery will have far reaching implications that will certainly impact civilization and all of humanity and human history. Everything we all believed to be true about humans, our history, and our place in the universe are shown to be horribly wrong."

Of course, the above is a fictional, media-like account of such a discovery, and Karl's comments are an interesting and thought provoking look behind the title of Nile's forthcoming album - their eighth - entitled What Should Not Be Unearthed. Just as the title implies, perhaps, just perhaps, there are some things that should never, ever, be unearthed.

"In reality, I think if one of these archaeologists actually dug up a five thousand year old cellphone, people would literally go bat-shit insane," portends Karl. "Really, what happened to the civilization of that time if they did have these technologies, and what were the implications of these technologies? To think this was the end of that previous civilization. Nothing was fucking left from that time because these people were stupid fucking lunatics and humanity suffered an incredible decline that has yet to recover. It‘s a classic Lovecraftian sort of idea. Basically, this song grew out of the concept - of the many recent excavations in Egypt containing fantastical discoveries."

The earth is a wonderfully constructed time capsule. Contained within are the secrets to life... to all living things. Some of the greatest discoveries have allowed us a brief, albeit fascinating, glimpse back in time. Through the Earth, we have learned about such incredible things as ancient chemical warfare, the Antikythera Mechanism, Dead Sea Scrolls, the Baghdad Battery, and the Rosetta Stone. Now, try, if you will, to imagine discoveries made five thousand years into the future? What will these civilizations - perhaps consisting of half-human, half-machine beings - think of our current technologies? Surely, they will unearth millions upon millions of digital devices, and, it's not too far-fetched to believe that some of these will be restored to working order. Oh, to be a fly-on-the-wall when one of these devices reigns forth the audio terror of modern-day death metal. Like the above-fictional account, would such a discovery portend to the end of times for that future civilization? One listen to Nile's latest slab of earth-devouring pestilence, once again produced by Neil Kernon, is quatrain enough - heavy enough - to believe so.

"We told Neil that we thought the last record was way to thin, and we wanted something heavier - something along the lines of the big, heavy, crushing guitar sounds of Annihilation Of The Wicked," reveals Sanders. "We actually killed ourselves to make At The Gate Of Sethu. It was not an easy record to make. It's hard to make a death metal album when you are using an AC/DC-like clean sound. Dude, the amount of precision you have to have to make that work is just mind-boggling. This latest record was fun to make. You can hear the grooves - the heart and the soul. You can actually hear us having fun playing metal... it's tangible."

Once the initial shock of the discovery had worn off, it's likely our android descendants would study the hell out of their death metal vestige. One could imagine massive shrines dedicated to the genre, adorned with carved busts of formidable death metal composers. In the case of Nile, there is one common theme they might discern from their eight-album catalogue, as Karl goes onto explain.

"For the past five albums, George, Dallas and I have been the core of the band. We have had bass players coming and going, which has been a plague. On the other hand, George and Dallas and I are a team - a core trio. Over the years, we have found ways to work together, which I think is what has made Nile what is today. As far as bands go, unless you've got a reasonably stable lineup it's very hard to actually get people working together and functioning cohesively to achieve anything. If you are always replacing members then you are always having to find a way to get everyone on the same page - this is something that takes a while. If you want to achieve anything, it's not going to be overnight and it's certainly not going to be easy. You've gotta have a group of guys you can work with - guys who speak the same language and understand how to work together to achieve something special."

Special indeed. What Should Not Be Unearthed is a straight-up, no fucking frills death metal release. Unlike the last couple of albums, Karl and crew eschewed technicality - for the sake of technicality. Yeah, perhaps our distant uber-android descendants will shred like no other mutherfucker has ever shred in the history of time immemorial. Though, perhaps, Karl, with What Should Not Be Unearthed, will have a hand in reshaping the overly technical crap millennia from now. If just one of these human-extinguishing, shred-defying robot bastards gets it, well, the future might not be so dire after all.

"When we were writing Unearthed we made an edict - like a judge with a fucking gavel," concedes Karl. "Every piece of this album had to work together. All the elements had to serve a higher purpose. There was no riffing allowed that was just riffing to be bad ass technical. It all had to be focused on making songs that are enjoyable to listen to. There are so many technical death metal bands these days that are so technical - and they are all amazing - but, sometimes, the songs are so technical that it is hard to tell what the song is actually doing. While listening to these bands, I often find myself saying 'wow that was awesome... wow that was awesome!... wow that was awesome!'. But, then I immediately ask myself 'what the fuck did they just do?'. I think it's an incredible challenge to take all that and tone it down into something that is pleasant, enjoyable, and a memorable metal experience for the listener. That's the higher calling. What are we doing here anyway? It doesn't matter if you can play the shit out of your guitar, shred up the bass, go Keith Moon-crazy on the drums. None of that matters if people get bored with it after two minutes. We have a higher purpose here, which is making music that people can enjoy. It's about time that someone started giving a fuck about the listener. This was kind of our approach and what we lived and died by while writing this album. Let me tell you, it called for a lot of ruthless self-editing! There were so many guitar riffs that I loved that got the fucking axe. If they didn't serve the purpose of the song, they had to go."

Is there a conclusive Nile moment, above all others that Karl would prefer to be unearthed five millennia down the road? What would he want his lasting legacy - in the hands of those bio-mechanical android sons of computerized bitches - to be?

"I don't have a Nile song that I measure everything against," answers the guitarist. "I guess each album, and each song, is kind of its own creature. I mean, having said that, I think there are some definitive Nile moments, such as 'Black Seeds Of Vengeance', 'Unas Slayer Of The Gods', 'Cast Down The Heretic' or any number of Nile classic songs. Right now, I'm not necessarily looking to write a definitive Nile song. I think that is a heavy chain to wear around one's neck that impedes creativity. We cast off those shackles for this album and we wrote songs that catchy and fun, forgetting about all those other fucking concerns. These concerns are a goddamn albatross around the neck. It makes it incredibly hard to just focus on what you are writing, instead of all these secondary concerns."

Among the heaps and heaps of digital devices and mounds of fossilized CDs buried in the Earth, our android usurpers are sure to come across one of several side projects the boys in Nile have amassed. Along with Karl's instrumental releases (the stellar Saurian Mediation and Exorcism albums), Dallas and George have also dipped their toes in the ocean of Nile-influenced projects. It doesn't take a super-intelligent android hive mind to realize that the Nile influence runs deep. Is it safe to say that the Nile influence is inescapable at this point, even to those who create the very music that is Nile?

"There is music growing up that influenced me. I don't feel influenced by Nile music in the sense that when I'm listening to a Nile record I think 'let's try something like that!'," corrects Karl. "Often times when I see that in other music - because you definitely recognize your own riffs, and when you hear someone else play it back to you from someone else's record you go, 'well, ya know, alright, whatever'. Keith Richards said this best, that if you hear a riff on an album that you love and it's inspiring to you, chances are that guy got it somewhere else to."