Hibbing Daily Tribune (www.hibbingmn.com) has issued the following report from Aaron J. Brown:

While we focused on the recent midterm elections, something terrible happened that now requires bipartisan action.

VINCE NEIL, member of ‘80s rock band MÖTLEY CRÜE, chartered and is now taking reservations for a nostalgic entertainment voyage he is calling “Motley Cruise". The Carnival Cruise-sponsored voyage features an “intimate” concert with Vince Neil, a no-limit Texas Hold-Em Tournament, and a Hooters “Girls Girls Girls” Bikini contest. Passengers may also sip samples of wine from Vince’s private vineyard.

I think I speak for a majority of Democrats, Republicans, Independents, Libertarians, Greens, Whigs and Tories when I say that this ship must not leave port. If it does, it must be sunk to the bottom of the ocean with a hail of firepower unseen since the invention of gunpowder. Survivors must not receive quarter.

I’m sorry if this seems extreme. You might be sitting back in your comfy, Middle American recliner, sipping a wholesome beverage wondering what is wrong with this angry, angry man. Well, I’m not angry at Vince. This isn’t personal. Heck, this cruise is for charity and that’s great.

But we need to send a message. Celebrities: When you are done being famous please take all your money and leave quietly. You can write songs. You can paint water colors. You can write children’s books about diversity. Just stop clinging to past glory on mainstream television programs. Vince might be doing this for charity, but he’s not totally innocent here. He’s one of the original cast members of VH1’s The Surreal Life, the epicenter of a growing insurrection of poorly-aging B-list celebrities.

The world of fame is not unlike a forest. Most seeds don’t get to be mighty sequoias. Frankly, most of them end up in squirrel droppings. It’s the same way for people. Not everyone gets to sing for a popular rock band. Most who try end up playing bar gigs until they meet a girl who has a job. That’s OK. It’s part of the grand circle of celebrity that has gone on since Zog tried to paint antelope pictures on the walls of his cave only to have them look more like dogs, or maybe monkeys.

At the same time, healthy forests have a way of reclaiming tall trees to allow new growth. Sometimes a forest fire does the work; in modern times we have a system of responsible harvesting. Either way, trees shouldn’t stand and rot while good new trees try to reach for the stars. Well, today’s B-list celebrities don’t fade away like 1960s Bond girls; they cling for dear life on any exposure they can get – and we feed their desperation by watching shows like Hogan Knows Best, Dancing with the Stars and The Flava of Love.

It must stop! I certainly hope we don’t have to sink the Motley Cruise, spilling innocent blood. But if that’s what it takes, then so be it! We all thought The Osbornes were cute, but who would have known that every declining celebrity within 10,000 miles would try to follow their lead? Who knew that these decaying icons would take to the sea? What next? The air? Electromagnetic waves that penetrate our brains?

OK, OK. I’m told by a dispassionate panel of outside observers that this column is too harsh. My desire for the scuttling of the Motley Cruise troubles some. Fine. Condone this sad, wicked voyage if you must. But mark my words … “Motley Cruise” today; “Guns N' Roses Retirement Community” tomorrow. You heard the warning.